An Ode To Existence

once again

sometimes i go so long without writing anything that it's hard to start up again cuz i can't think of anything that's so noteworthy as to make whatever audience i have think "ah! so that's why he came out of seclusion!" that isn't to say nothing noteworth has happened in the last few months (certainly not the case), it's just that's not what i'm gonna write about. the itch has just become irresistable again, so we'll see how long i can last this time.

it's the day after christmas, which means i had apple pie for breakfast (yum!)the leftover fried turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes & gravy i had for lunch today are still oozing out of my pores as we speak. makes the keyboard a little sticky, but i'll deal. i'm lucky enough to have parents who want me to spend it with them so much that they're willing to help cover my plane ticket out here (flight changes and everything, but maybe we'll get to that story later). it was a little odd not having jess with us (she & the hubs spent this one with his fam in arizona) so there were just four of us christmas morning, but it was enjoyable nonetheless. after the usual opening of gifts, we cleaned up the house (which has become the new place of gathering since grandma helen passed) and had some extended fam & friends over for dinner and fun times. always nice to be around fam, especially at this time of year.

one of the nice things about christmas in socal is there's no extreme weather. it's so pleasant out that i'm actually sitting on the front porch mooching some neighbor's wireless connection at the moment. not that i don't enjoy seasons (i very much do) or a white christmas (i think i would, but have yet to experience that joy in life), but it's nice not to have to hole myself up inside to avoid frostbite.

one time just rolled by on patrol. don't see them around here much...thought you might like to know for some reason.

we went to see kong with my cousin chris tonight (don't worry, no spoilers here). man that movie is depressing...i don't know why i went. i mean, it was really cool for the first 2:15 (by the way, does peter jackson have some deathly aversion to making films less than 3 hours in length or what?), but i hate seeing him die in the end every time. can't they mix it up a little and have him outsmart the national guard to escape back to his jungle hideout? can giant gorillas swim? hopefully this will be the final redux...i mean they've killed the guy at least three different times now, isn't that enough? my verdict is if you're an animal lover who can't see the sight of them in pain, you can still have over two hours of fun & laughs (and squirm from all the prehistoric creepy crawleys) and then bail before the inevitable happens. that way you can also avoid being exposed to jack black's horribly corny line at the end as well. i actually considered doing that myself, but the rest of the fam probably would have thought there was something wrong with me and i didn't want to ruin it for them.

unlike christmases past, i'm only here until thursday before flying back for a job interview friday morning (wake county has really crappy timing, but at least i got them to move the date for this one) and becky's wedding on saturday. then i'm coming back out here to drive my car out to nc (sorry little sis) and attempt to settle in a bit.

but while i'm out here i gotta see a few folks and enjoy the setting of my youth for what it's worth: beaches, in-n-out, wahoo's, and free food from the rents. woot!

instead of pushing it, i'm gonna reimmerse myself slowly, so no more for tonight. merry christmas, remember what it's really about (that would be the birth of our Savior, even though He was really born sometime late september/early october), and i'll be back soon. i hope. maybe you do too. that'd be swell, hehe. God bless.

soul stirrin': phish - down with disease
ink, mind & parchment: boy meets girl: say hello to courtship by joshua harris (some mainstream christianity now & then won't kill me)

a night on the town

it's past 7 am, the sky is lighter now than it was at all yesterday, and i definitely just got home from a night out on the town. all you can eat sushi dinner in puerto madero with the whole team + emily from mendoza & natosha (ash's best bud from college) who arrived last night for a week long visit, followed by dessert at tgi friday's (don't be fooled by their non-fudgy fudge brownie) and then six of us did drinks and dancing @ the living. i don't know if my brain has ever been as disconnected from the way the rest of my body feels as it is right now. aside from safely guiding me home from the bus stop, it's really not good for anything right now.

i just want to say that mel, taylor, courtney, sarah & meeker are all the rockinest teammates EVER, and 'last night' was a blast. i might get 5 hours of sleep, but it was mos def worthwile. y'all are awesome & i'm wrecked. pz out.

symphonic melodies: nightmares on wax - cruise (don't stop)

He speaks!

it's 3 am and i just finished listening to an amazing john piper sermon about the sacrifice of being a missionary and why we should be willing to make it (doing missions when dying is gain). i got it from mel's blog, who got it from nathan, the jolly giant (a family friend of bill miller) who was on our team in cachi during the salta missions trip. i'm stoked about the sermon and all that he said in it, but that's not really the point. i just found what from now on will be referred to as my favorite bible verse. it comes from hebrews 4 and it goes a little somethin' like this:


as i repeated the verse over and over its significance began to sink in and all i can say is WOW!

old neigbors bite

man, every time we have a spontaneous old school dance party in the kitchen, the crotchety old neighbors gotta ruin by complaining to the portero (argentine version of a building doorman/super). last month before we left for salta aaliyah's one in a million was the inspiration. tonight it was boyz II men's cooleyhighharmony, with elementary school hits such as please don't go, uhh ahh, it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday, and the classic motownphilly. a few grilled ham, cheese & tomato sandwiches and a bit of red kool-aid, next thing you know ashlee is getting serenaded by three guys in the kitchen.

being a missionary rocks. old neighbors who complain about noise at 10 pm = not so much. if only they had been able to see the rump shakin goin' on, perhaps things may have turned out differently. don't let the [old] man keep you down.

symphonic melodies: dj kool - let me clear my throat
ink, mind & parchment: peace child by don richardson

desiring God

i started this post a week and a half ago, but it started getting long & somewhat deep (or so i like to fancy), so i had to wait for a break in the action to circle back and finish it up. time to get personal.

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my dear friend melanie has been learning a lot about beauty lately, and i've been learning vicariously through her by reading her thoughts & things revealed by God on her blog. i, too, have been thinking about beauty a lot recently, but from a different perspective & in pursuit of a different goal. i think of all the times i hear my christian female friends & acquaintences talk about how their struggle with beauty is with the desire to be found beautiful. to be desired & sought after.

and the wonderful thing is they can have this when they go to the right place. when they stop seeking their value in the opinion of idiot guys with their heads stuck up their collective ass (no wonder no woman is ever 'pretty enough'), and instead seek it in God by truly accepting the fact that as a part of God's creation, they are innately beautiful. He imparted some of His beauty on everything He made, and it was literally all good. beyond that, being made in His image and bestowed with qualities constrained to humans and God Himself, she is more beautiful than anything else He's made. the crown jewel of creation. i remember hearing (only semi-facetiously) in some sermon or talk that God creating adam was just a warm-up/practice round of sorts before moving on to eve. that's where He got it right, as the story goes, and i find it hard to disagree. simply stated, she is God's masterpiece.

the thing about it is women were made to be found beautiful & they are most satisfied when they seek that in God. they were also made to be attracted to men, and God, in all His mighty warrior, doting Father, sensuous Lover qualities, is the paragon nonpareil who fulfills the idea of maleness more than any 'perfect guy' ideal we humans could ever come up with. this FatherLoverWarrior, Who is the ultimate shelter from harm, Who responds to perfectly & fulfills every emotional need, Who fought, died, rose again, won, and continues fighting for her beauty...He's all over the Bible. in terms of qualities, women have no lack of an image or idea of how they can/are to relate to God, and as a guy, i have the archetype after which to model myself (a hopeless but necessary task).

so i talk to my friends, read their posts, and see how in love they are with God. their perfect Man. there's no need for anything or anyone else. their desire for intimacy is fulfilled in Him. that's good. that's great. that's wonderful.

right now, i'm jealous of every woman who has a relationship with the Lord for that very reason. they can imagine they God they're supposed to be in love with. His qualities match perfectly with their desires, right down to the male-female connection. the mere IDEA of Him touches their hearts. and me? i'm a guy. wired different. dissimilar needs. desires. struggles. i know that i should love God for every reason that a woman would, and i do. He is everything i need, of that there is no doubt in my mind. but something is lacking for me. that passionate relationship. a LUST for God.

just as women were made to be found beautiful, i was made to find beautiful. to desire it. cherish and adore. i'm having a really hard time finding that in Him. that whole list of characteristics that the women are attracted to because that's how they are fulfilled? God as my doting Father? as my Song of Solomon Lover? as the Warrior fighting for my life? yes, those ideas minister to me just like every other christian, but they don't fulfill those deeper desires i was created for. those are things that i want to BE, not have done to or for me.

i want to see God's beauty in that 'ohmygoodnessyouaresouneffingbelievablygorgeousican'ttakemyeyesoffyou' way. the way it's so easy for me to see her -- the feminine. to my everlasting shame & stumble. i want to be so enraptured by Him that i'll be unable to tear my eyes away, for fear of missing a moment of eternity.

why am i having so much difficulty seeing the God of the universe this way? why can i not find images of His beauty in the Bible that draw me to Him the way she is drawn to His love & strength?

why do i feel the need to find feminine beauty in Him (which is there somewhere, because her beauty comes from Him), instead of allowing the beauty of overall creation being enough? has my mind become so corrupt & perverse as to trick myself into believing that is the only beauty that will satisfy? or is this a legitimate desire that i have?

some modern uberfeminist might opine that i'm making too much of God's non-existent gender, for He is neither male nor female. but He did make adam in His image. and i think the God of the universe would have been able to overcome whatever misogynistic tendencies that might have tempted Biblical authors, should they have been so inclined to make She a He for the sake of male hegemony in political, social and domestic realms.

the truth is that, to whatever extent, God is a He. if He were a She, would this problem be solved? would it be reversed? i don't know, but it's moot point since that's not the case.

where am i going with this? i want to know God not just in an intellectual sense. i long for my desire for beauty to be found and fulfilled in Him in an intimate, heart to heart manner. the way women can see Him as the ultimate husband. cuz being the bride of Christ all dressed up in white doesn't quite appeal to me the way it does a woman. what is the image that will make that connection for me? where is that part of Him that will seduce my soul and completely eradicate any thoughts of idolatrously straying to impotent lovers? or is it my perception that needs to change? where do i go from here?

soul stirrin': jars of clay - jealous kind
ink, mind & parchment: hebrews 3 by God

i turned on the oven today!

no, that isn't an indicator of how often i cook (which is a lot more often than you probably think), nor is it condemning of my intelligence level. not all ovens in argentina are difficult, but as luck would have it, the two apartments i've lived in came with what seem to be the two most finnicky ovens in existence. they run off natural gas, but are not self-lighting like every stove/oven i've ever encountered in the states. instead, you must twist the knob and hold it in while lighting with a match.

the stove top is easy enough, but the oven makes a habit of cutting off the gas flow when you let go of the knob. thus, you have to hold the knob in and release it in imperceptibly small increments. or you could just stand there holding the knob in for the entire time you're baking, but who has time for that? as sad as it may sound, i was never in my year and a half of living here able to get the oven to light on my own (fabian was often my saving grace in that regard), but i've finally had a breakthrough, so hopefully i'll be independent in the kitchen from here on out.

i have this taste in my mouth like i've been drinking baking soda water, except i haven't. nasty! i've been drinking mate and even used up a stick of my precious american gum (winterfresh flavored extra) and it hasn't helped a whole lot.

i kinda don't want to post cuz every new one moves her picture further down the page & my mind somehow twists that into meaning out of my life. sometimes i wonder if i've matured at all since high school. get a grip bro, and try not to always think in such extremes!

there are these what used to be flowers in a vase on the mantle of our never been used fireplace ( it's one of those crappy gas ones without a flue, boo!). these things have been there for literally 2 or 3 months. where they came from and how they got here i'm not exactly sure, since i don't make a habit of sprucing up the apartment with floral arrangements, not that there's anything wrong with having flowers in a guys' apartment. i actually kinda like them when they're alive.

volviendo al tema...the 'used to be flowers' are looking pretty gross and there's even some sort of multicolored mold/fungus growing on the stems, like something out of soundgarden's 'black whole sun' video.


black hole sun/won't you come/and wash away the rain...

freaky ish. every time i see them, i think to myself, 'for the love! why doesn't somebody throw those things out?' in fact, i don't think i can handle this anymore...

...ok, that's over and done with.

"kip...d'ya ever wish you could just...go back?"
"cool it man, i've already looked into it for myself."
"alriiiight!"

for someone who majored in history (which officially makes me a historian, no?), i seem to have a lot of issues with hindsight. but perhaps the best way to cure that is to concentrate more on the future, as cloudy as that may be. slow progress is being made on the post-STINT life front, but 'tis progress nonetheless. hope that's encouraging.

no, i haven't heard your voice in two months now
and anticipation's been wearing me thin
and i just can't help but wonderin' baby if somehow
we could tear these pages out and begin again...

soul stirrin': matt wertz - lonely tonight
ink, mind & parchment: the letter to the hebrews by God